Agony Addison // Toxicity, Tourists, and Music BoysTM
okay I guess the TM symbol doesn't copy and paste well into Substack ugh soz
New Moon, new us. This New Moon in Sagittarius carries some of the archer’s blunt and occasionally uncomfortably direct energy, so you may discover some previously-veiled truths around this time. But Sag is also a lucky and optimistic sign, so hope for the best and believe that it’s coming!
Each New Moon is a time for setting intentions, deciding what to do with your one wild and precious life, at least for the next month. Make a list! It’s soothing!
Howdy y’all! I’m writing to you from somewhere in the middle of nowhere, Texas, surrounded by miles of mesquite and deep southern drawls. Before we all get into political arguments with our uncles tomorrow, how about a round of advice that has absolutely nothing to do with who you voted for in the midterms? It’ll pair well with cases of cheap red wine and too many casseroles to count.
Hi agonyyy! I am in AGONY right now about my current living situation. Why is it that places are so much more fun to visit than to live in? I feel like I have all of these grand ideas of adventuring if I lived full-time in the places I want to visit, but rarely do I follow through when I’m actually there. For example, I just moved to a new city this past January and feel like I've done absolutely NOTHING since I got here. Maybe that's just because I've been here for so long and 11 months is a lot of time to fill? Ugh REGARDLESS - how do I treat the city I live in full-time like an exciting new place to visit? Sinseriously, Unsatisfied Tourist.
Hi unsatisfied! First of all, tourist is a slur and don’t ever accuse yourself of being one. We are TRAVELERS and we HATE CRUISE SHIPS and WOULD NEVER BE CAUGHT DEAD EATING AT A HARD ROCK CAFE IN EUROPE!
I think this is a semi-universal problem, and I’m willing to shove at least part of it into the “things social media has sucked the fun out of” category, especially in regards to our perceptions of how everyone else is spending their time. Seeing three posts in one weekend of lulu-clad legs walking their goldendoodles at Runyon Canyon can trick your brain into thinking you’re the last girl in LA who hasn’t been. Watching two boys you knew in college act like they never left college at the same bar in Williamsburg can quickly convince you that paying Williamsburg rent includes a ‘three drinks at Radegast per weekend minimum’ in the rider.
Humans love to look for patterns, and our stalkers who never sleep (social media algorithms) are more than happy to create them where they don’t exist just to keep us scrolling a few extra seconds. Take some time to remind the brain that’s trying to keep you alive that actually, Instagram stories aren’t real and don’t equate to having actual stories to tell around the proverbial campfire. Nobody is as busy as their twenty-seven post screed wants you to believe they are.
I think the compulsion to post to social whenever you do actually leave the house also adds a layer of ‘homework vibes’ to any activity you might be inclined to pursue, triggering your inner teenager into ‘mom I’ll do it LATER’ mode, even when it’s something you really want to do.
So maybe try to use Instagram less?? I think that’s a good starting point for most of us, but just in case you’re already not an avid user, I’ve got one more idea for you.
Buy tickets to timed events. I think you’re likely to show up if you’ve already blocked off an evening in your Google Cal, plus you PAID for it. Skipping out on a sunk cost adventure opportunity? In this economy!? Ill-advised!
Maybe you’re an art girly who really wants to get back to her sketchy roots; book a drawing class that you can’t back out of, and take a friend along for added ‘you-can’t-bail-again’ positive pressure. Museums are a great place to start looking for aspiring amateurs who want to get creative without overcommitting.
Maybe you love comedy specials and have already binged all of HBO’s greatest hits? Buy tickets for a standup show and discover some local talent within the safety of a ten-minute set. You’ll probably get at least three new podcasts out of the evening too because that’s what every Brooklyn comedian does now! And thank Zeus for that!
Maybe you’ve tried these tricks before and just burned your hard-earned cash in the process, or you’re looking for something a little more inspirational than motivational. Try Googling ‘Anthony Bourdain + the place in which you currently reside’ and hope to heaven that he covered it in the best travel show ever committed to film. It’s beautifully shot and exceptionally produced, and more often than not will leave you itching to explore as immediately as possible. Romanticize your life, as the girlbosses say, and go looking for the parts of the world that are whispering your name on the wind.
So I've got this boyfriend. He's a real cutie patootie, but we have majorly different taste in music and sometimes he makes me feel bad about that :/ It’s possible I'm being too sensitive when he makes a silly comment about the stuff I listen to, but I can't help it! It hoits! Every now and then I'll throw back a snarky comment about the snooze-a-looze grooves he listens to, but I don't usually have the courage to because he's made me believe that my taste is just ~bad~. I don't have a specific advice Q, but just a general...."what do I do?" :(
-Bruised and Bopping
Hey BB. First of all, pinch your boyfriend for me. Okay now do it again but harder. Every time he says something mean about your music, give him a targeted little pinch in the soft meat on the inside of his arm. We in the industry call this conditioning. It works well on Pavlov’s puppies too.
If you don’t have the time to potty train your puppy toddler, this is probably one of those ‘having a meaningful emotional conversation about how their behavior makes you feel’ situations, unfortch. I find that it’s most helpful to focus on the emotions here; don’t lean into the accusations of what they’re doing WRONG and trying to prove it. Nobody likes to be on defense for the whole game, and they’re more likely to start swinging instead of paying attention. Focus on your feelings instead; it’s more likely to elicit some empathy and actually get you somewhere instead of just proving a point.
Alternatively…
If you’re reading this newsletter you’re scientifically and undeniably a hot piece! Go fishing for all those fish in the sea we keep hearing about. Invent a dating app based on Spotify algorithms. Attend as many concerts as you can and ask every hottie you see if they come here often. Choices, honey! The stuff of life itself!
Hey Agony Addison! I'm just going to go straight for it here... how do I end a toxic friendship? It feels weird and hard :/
— Painfully Persistent
Oh Persy, I feel this so deeply. My emotionally mature advice would be to have a serious and considered talk about the pain points of the relationship with this friend, ask for quantifiable means of behavioral change, and give them some time to implement those changes. What I have actually done in these situations is stretch myself as far as possible and bend my emotions into untenable shapes until something snaps and the whole thing blows up in my face like cartoon TNT and we both unfollow each other on Instagram and now I wear a hat and mask and headphones every time I’m in certain neighborhoods for extra emotional protection. So maybe try the first one?
If it’s a seriously poisonous situation though that’s been ongoing for a while, I don’t think you’re obligated to give any more of yourself to it. Sometimes friendships end, and often it’s better to just break up with a friend cold turkey, so everyone knows where you stand and you don’t feel that nagging pull anymore every time they try to bully you into hanging out. People don’t have to be intrinsically evil to still contribute to an unhealthy relationship, and you can let them go without pushing each other to your worst selves first. If all else fails, take Lauren’s lead.
Here’s a truly unhinged Vogue edit of my cat that her pet sitters made last week to honor their new overlord. And they’re right! OF COURSE!!
Enjoyed this list of behavioral recommendations? You and I are certainly company enough, but sometimes it’s fun to be part of a crowd. Send this letter along to a friend who needs to hear it but won’t take your advice – maybe they’ll take mine, or at least take a hint.
Itching for more intel? Check
here for last month’s unsolicited commentary, and here for last week’s peek into our shared pop culture past.
See y’all later! Stay safe out there*!
*at a Thanksgiving table with your familial frenemy
— Agony Addison
Love this Addison! Keep the advice column coming! Agonizing Aunt