Travel Diaries // Begin Again, Again
notes from the second carriage of an Italian high-speed train
New Moon, new us. Each New Moon is an optimal time for setting intentions, clarifying what it is we want to do with our wild and precious lives — at least for the next lunation.
This one’s in Gemini, a perfect sky spot for a new(ish) beginning. Gemini is a curious air sign with the adaptability necessary to flit between subjects and sojourns. Go out! Be social! Chat up a stranger whose energy seems, at minimum, unthreatening! This is a prolific space for making new connections and expanding your current horizons. The perceived attitude of freedom that comes along with summer is just settling in for those of us north of the equator; lean in.
I’m baaaaack bitches! Kind of. Kind of!
Physically, I’m traveling for roughly six weeks in order to promote Sagittarius stereotypes. Format-wise, I’m mixing it up a lil’ while on the road and taking notes in communal breakfast areas. And yeah, I am writing this from a hostel bar in Europe with what some would call ‘distractingly-loud’ techno music bumping overhead at 4pm! Aperol spritzes are waging a war on this continent the likes of which this century has not yet seen. Do NOT ask me about my drink order.
What follows are a few musings from life on the move, but mostly from inside my head while on the move, interrupted and supported intermittently by some choice lyrics from the above embedded song. Get in loser, we’re having a boygenius summer and we’re driving stick.
It's a bad idea and I'm all about it
It seems like we, AS A SOCIETY, put a *lot* of emphasis on the idea of consistency as a moral virtue. And that does indeed make sense in sooo many ways. We need people to show up when they say they will and do what they’re expected to in order to like, have an economy, and trains, and produce food, et cetera et cetera.
When you wake up, I'll be gone again
However, that societal desire for consistency seems to be applied a little too liberally. It also comes with a sizable side of hashtag pressure to perform, often only for the sake of preserving the perceived “virtue” itself. And for those of us who inherited the slightly tilted brain variety known for attention deficits but ultimately ruled by disruptions in motivation, consistency can become *incredibly* burdensome.
Here are a few ‘consistency’ synonyms offered by the built-in Apple thesaurus: constancy, regularity, uniformity, orderliness, and even ‘lack of change’. Might I offer a ‘boring’ for the board? Perhaps an ‘unstimulating’ as well? Maybe even ‘sucking the joy right out of life’?
Mama told me that it don't run on wishes, but that I should have fun
I would like to propose a slight shift in our expectations; a simple but impactful refocusing of the lens. Instead of dreading the colossal energy commitment required for starting ‘over’ every time we fail to meet an expectation, quite often we can, simply, start again.
Instead of drowning in the imagined shame of failed performance metrics, put a lid on this bottle of Orange Fanta that tastes soooo much better in Europe because EU food regulations are real in a way the FDA cannot imagine, and open a new one!
Like a 4x monthly newsletter that you haven’t published since March. Start again! A weeklong trek through Sicily that is exceptionally difficult in the first two days: stuff yourself with pastries (universal advice), sleep like a rock, and start again. Losing a triple-digit-day Duolingo streak right after you finally learned how to say more than ‘j’mange une orange’. Start againnnn. Even relationships! Maybe you haven’t seen someone in years, for no reason other than life gets in the way, and now your worlds seem to match up more easily. Start Again. Especially during this new moon! Let the lunar energy carry you into revamping a relationship that could be valuable for years to come, or at least a good bit of fun for an evening.
So many hills to die on
Every self-help book at the airport written by an off-brand San Francisco startup boy puts a heavvvvy emphasis on the necessity of consistency. But many skills are accumulative and build upon prior knowledge, and don’t actually require *daily* repetition to develop progressively, at least not for everyone. Ultimately this is going to be about the patriarchy again! Roll your eyes all you want like okay everything can’t be the patriarchy, but unfortunately it is. Male bodies tend to operate on a 24-hour hormonal cycle (most testosterone in the morning, least in the evening) as opposed to the monthly fluctuations of those who menstruate.
So the obvious conclusion is for the peeps who have been in power for the vast majority of recorded human history to apply their own experience to their expectations of everyone else. Even though some of the most recent science suggests that males, actually, behave more unpredictably than females, regardless of hormonal variations. Yes this is a mouse study. The catchy headline science article is always a mouse study. But still! These bastards can’t even stick to their own rules! I TOLD YOU IT’S ABOUT THE PATRIARCHY.
Run out of gas, out of time, out of money
My brain doesn’t form habits well. I have to decide to brush my teeth quite literally every single time I do it. The chemical equations in my head require a novelty-coded input to produce anything of worth. The shame of not appearing capable of meeting quite basic expectations has haunted me for years, and then that haunting itself discourages me from ever picking the project back up. That cycle, I have been VERY consistent in repeating. And it sucks rocks.
So the fact that you’re reading this at all represents a change in approach, one that feels ultimately much more forgiving and more human. I’m not going to wallow or berate myself; it very clearly isn’t working. I’m going to wipe off the table, clear the metaphorical slate, and start again. So let’s go girls. Let’s start again, right along with the mf moon 🌚
Take a break, make your escape
I spent the last ten days in Portugal dragging my mother from bakery to bar to restaurante and stuffing us both with enough bacalao to choke a colonizer. I did wince writing that joke but the world spins on. We had an absolutely gorgeous time bouncing between Porto and Lisbon, and bouncing off the excitable energy of traveling with long-distance loved ones. I completely fucked the rental car and the trains were on strike. The solution involved wiping the rust off my mother’s manual transmission skills (20 years really adds up) and *starting* *again*.
May I please have 20 dollars?
This is a commentary on how everything costs $20 now. Boy, those girls sure are geniuses.
Travel Photos For Posterity
If I haven’t said it at all lately because failing to send any newsletters made me too nervous to check the Instagram, I greatly appreciate you being here! And I also understand if you’re kind of like hey, where did you go for like four months girly? That’s fair and my answer is…… hmm?
If you’re a paid subscriber who doesn’t want to count on me, I won’t argue with you in a court of law — you can downgrade your sub at any time and still receive *every* version of this letter. It’s free! And a free-for-all! Just choose ‘none’ under the subscription payment method when Substack tries to strongarm you. I’m happy to have you here whether you’re funding my oat latte habit or not <3
I am back, tho, and have officially committed to making no further commitments. Consistency ain’t my superpower. Did I make that point yet? Returning to past loves and interests again and again and never shutting the fuck up about them, however, absolutely is. So here’s to trying to schedule my brain chemicals! Adderall shortage absolutely still in effect. Joe Biden DO SOMETHING NOW WHAT ARE MY TAXES EVEN FOR.
I love you guys for being here. Y’all, even. Thank you for getting in this questionable rental car with me <3
Jet laggedly,
Addi