February’s full moon is known as the Snow Moon, the Wild Moon, and the Bear Moon. This moon is a time of promises, when we must believe in the potential for future awakenings without immediately-evident signs of life. February carries the seeds of spring to come; allow yourself to germinate in some soothing comforts, readying for the blossoming on the horizon.
Hey guys. How was ur lunar wknd? Did you awaken with a start in the middle of the night from a wildly vivid dream about cat-sitting to find the full moon glaring you down through the window like you stood her up for happy hour drinks AGAIN? Or did you you spend three days so deeply absorbed in a YA fantasy series that you forgot about several of the central ingredients of performing humanity? Ten points to Ravenclaw if you did both (House Cup is rigged as hell this year).
Last week, NYMag partook in that great media tradition of proliferating discussion-bait, publishing a piece that comments on modern society by overtly instructing it, written with the express expectation of provoking debate. And it did! DMs across the webosphere were full of passive-aggressive shares and emoji side-eyes. I personally disagreed with quite a few of the new rules, but mostly just felt called out, repeatedly, for not being evolved enough to stop describing TikToks in casual conversation.
If you missed out on all the high school debate team fun, or just feel like you REALLY need to disagree with someone in written form, you’re in luck; I’ve put together another lil’ list for you, complete with email forwarding and an open comment section.
I want a good, clean fight out there! Keep it civilized, but know that low-stakes hot takes are the most treasured conversational devices we have left, and you will be rewarded for them. Just keep your head and arms inside the ride, and above all, learn your rules, you better learn your rules — if you don’t you’ll be eaten in your sleep ROWR
*some rules may be offshoots of the original NYMag piece, IDK, it was a really long Insta graphic.
On Friendship
Bring *something* as a gift when you’re a houseguest, even if you have to buy it in a panic at a Love’s Travel Stop because you’re on the ass-side of nowhere, Texas and kitschy, rhinestone-encrusted, bottle-opening skull magnets can actually be really cute. Worst case scenario, buy something while you’re in town and leave it with a cute note when you flee the scene of the crime.
Twice-yearly, two-hour FaceTimes/phone calls are the minimum requirement for maintaining long-distance friendships.
Never ever ever EVER buy someone perfume as a gift. Nothing on god’s green earth is more preference-based and subjective than a personal scent. If you insist on the olfactory, get them a sample set from a nice brand like Maison Francis Kurkdjian or Hermetica Paris. Just don’t spend $250 on something they might fucking hate.
You know those friends who love to ask for your advice but never seem to take it? Try meeting them with clarifying questions instead of outright instructions next time they inquire; at least then whatever advice you end up at will feel like their own idea. Alternatively, submit their question to your internet aunt and then forward them the answer like 👀 👀 👀.
Tell your friends if they’re being assholes. This goes double for the boys, and triple for the men.
GIFT RANDOMLY! Life is made of little moments of joy, all the more delightful when they’re unexpected. And don’t be sad when your random gifting friend forgets about your birthday — just write an internet essay abt it instead.
If you’re a grown adult who is a bad driver please take some lessons or move to a city with public transportation because you are SCARING THE HOES and contributing heavily to the failing American infrastructure by checking all those curbs.
Hating cats isn’t fun for anyone. You’re allowed to be allergic to them but you’re not allowed to be annoying about it.
Re: pets, having a dog that uncontrollably jumps on your guests is rude and you should train it. IDK man watch some videos on clickers.
On Going Out
Whoever does the asking-out should be prepared to do the paying. If there are multiple rounds or locations, it’s most polite for both parties to alternate covering the bill.
Don’t get offended if you get ghosted on a dating app. Nothing is real until it’s in real life, or at least in iMessage.
You get to make one modification request at a restaurant before you’re annoying. If you’re dining abroad, SHUT YA MOUF, MATE.
Stop pressuring people to drink or take shots or do drugs! Substances are only fun when you get to decide on them. Don’t be the coked-out ex frat bruh slapping people on the street at 2 am because nobody wants to go back to your depressing apartment to do more blow that you clearly do not need. It’s a horrible look!
Twisting arms to get everyone to play your party game does not at all enhance the playing of the game. Let some people be wallflowers and maybe they’ll write you into their debut novel with at least one redeeming quality.
Don’t put your arm on the back of a chair of a woman you just met. Go away. Leave her alone.
Anyone older than 25 dating a teenager is fucking creepy. And that’s just the hard cutoff, there’s plenty of room for weirdos below the frontal lobe line. I don’t care what’s legal! The fact that you do is even creepier!!!
After 25, everyone is fair game.
Phones in bags or pockets at dinner. Also take off your fucking Apple watch. Actually Apple watches in the presence of others are always horrendous and are only acceptable for working out. You look like you’re wearing Google glasses
On Conversation
“Y’all” is actually the most straightforward version of the plural you that exists in modern English, and all English speakers should adopt its use.
If you fuck up someone’s pronouns, correct yourself (or accept the correction), apologize, and move on. And berate yourself intensely internally so you don’t do it again.
Keep a more interesting question in your back pocket than “so what do you do for work?” Maybe pick one of those super divisive Twitter polls, like “do you wash your legs in the shower?” Speaking of which…
If your friend is repeating an anecdote they’ve already shared before, don’t say “yeah you already told me that” without adding anything to the conversation. All of our brains have been ruined by the internet and cooked inside our skulls by multiple rounds of COVID. Just yes-and your way somewhere else, asshole.
“haha” in text does not contain the ability to sound sincere.
Voice notes are cute and fill the void between texting and phone calls.
Keep your grubby little paws off any phone that isn’t yours when anyone Is showing you an Instagram. An accidental like on somebody’s shirtless ex from two years ago is only a thumb-slip away.
Don’t ask “who is that” when someone younger than you shows you a meme. That is literally never the point.
Heart reactions are actually a great way to respond/non-respond to. a message, but thumbs up is passive aggressive. Exclamation points contain a thousand words!
Sooooo, what’d I miss? What benign habit has everyone gotten into that’s driving you up the wall and through the roof and other idioms? Or what did I say that made you do this face 🤨 Go ahead, take a polite swing at polite society in the comments, I’ve already started stretching.
Stay easy out there, y’all!
Addison